Blog Number 5

Oh goodness... where to start?!

I'm constantly impressed with how amazing and convenient it is that we are learning about relationships as we are trying to find one! This past week we talked about dating and marriage.

I'm actually reading a book right now entitled "How To Avoid Falling In Love With A Jerk" by John Van Epp - it is fascinating! In chapter 2, he introduces RAM, or the Relationship Attachment Model. We talked about it a smidge in class. There are five main elements that contribute to a relationship: Knowledge, Trust, Rely, Commit, and Touch.
The first step is Knowledge. Obviously if we are going to have a relationship with someone (romantic or otherwise) we are going to have to know them; or at least know their name for goodness' sakes! Trust comes after knowledge. You're not going to trust someone you don't know, are you? For example - if I have been kidnapped and I find access to a phone miraculously and I only have 1 minute to call someone before the kidnapper comes back, I am NOT going to call my sister! I can trust that she will not answer her phone, because I know her! I know that she never ever ever answers her phone until about the 15th time I call! More than likely I would call my mother because - unless it's a good reason - she always answers her phone! After Trust comes Rely. Like with the other example , I can Rely on my mother to answer her phone and to help me out! Then comes the level of commitment. Good grief, you're not going to commit to someone you can't rely on! (Unfortunately, even though I don't rely on my sister, I am pretty committed to her... just kidding!!! I can ALWAYS rely on my sister!! Love her.) Lastly - notice I said LASTLY - comes touch. I know that people don't consider touch to be as big of a deal as it really is.


Is anyone familiar with the term "NCMO"? If not, it's an acronym for Non-Committal Make Out. Gross, right? Usually this is only used in high school (it was a very popular thing at mine), but for some reason, it seeps into college life. You'd think that we'd all be a bit more mature and in control of our hormones than that. If you kiss someone, or get really close physically to them, or even do something like hold their hand, that is you giving that person a hint - a hint that you like them! A hint that you might maybe, possibly love them even! Would you ever want to give that hint to someone who you didn't love or even like? NO!!! The thought is ludicrous!

Let's look at this model backwards - you hold someone's hand. That's physical touch. Why are you holding their hand? Because you like them silly goose! How do you know you like them? Well, you know that you don't like anyone else - you're not very likely to go around and try to hold all sorts of people's hands. That right there is a level of commitment. What makes you like them? Remember that one time when you told him/her about that thing that mattered a lot to you? That's you relying on them. You're giving them a piece of you - you're looking to them for support and advice. How come you're doing that? How did you know that you could rely on them? That's right; you trust them. You can trust them to be there for you. (Trust and reliance are kind of similar) And how did you come to trust this person? Was it perhaps because you know them? You know their values and beliefs and standards? You know where they stand on certain things? You know how they treat those around them? You at least know their name? Ya. Interesting, huh?

Anyways. I just really liked that model. I think that this can give us strength in relationships. So often people go too fast or skip one of the steps. If you skip a step, then you're going to fall and get hurt. Personally, I think that that is the most important thing in a relationship - time. Take the time to get to know someone! You could make your best friend into your spouse, and your spouse into your best friend.

Just my two cents on that.